I am a skilled actor; I jest. I’m truly a very good liar. Why? Because if I were to tell the truth, that working 80+ hours a week, being a full time student, merried with high functioning anxiety and depressive disorder causes me to feel so exhausted every end of the work week. I’m called lazy as hell, or that I’m a whined and I need to grow up and put my big girl pants on.
I’ve learned first hand, second hand, and third hand, that telling the honest truth about why I need to come in later for work or even take a day off from work will cause people to shun me. I’ve seen the look on their faces when I openly told the truth and was told it was all in my head. I’ve been always had someone make my reasons feel invalidated by statements like these:
‘Well, I’ve had a bad day too but I’m still working hard.’
‘I get tired too, you just have to pull through it, it’s all in your head.’
Well that’s just it. It is all in my head, because my anxiety and depression monsters love playing tag and jumping up and down on the cushions of my brain. Wreaking havoc and destruction on my concentration, deliberately dangling normalcy in front of me like a piece of meat but then jerking it away when I want some semblance of peace.
It’s hard to express that I am not okay, it hurts so much to tell someone the truth. Because I’ve already seen so many witch hunts on people who suffer like I do, we suffer in silence because we feel invalid by our illnesses.
That is why, I am a liar.